Ice Skating and Fear

We went ice skating last night.

I only fell once.

I stayed near the edge most of the time. I figured it out a little more, but I didn't ever venture out to the middle, nor did I go fast.

I was afraid.

Every time I started sliding, I would feel like I was slipping and was going to fall, so I'd stop myself and hold on to the edge.

I was afraid.

Afraid of what? Of falling.

Seriously?

Falling isn't actually that bad.

I missed out on the fun of gliding across the ice simply because I was too fearful to take the risk of falling. Someone from our group came up to me and after trying to help me figure out the technicalities of ice skating, told me that I was living in fear and not love and that is what my problem was. He then laughed a bit and said, "I'm not one of those scammers, I mean it. That really is your problem." (or something like)

I smiled and thought about it, and he was right. I tried to loosen up, to not hold on so much.

But I still stayed near the edge.

And my focus was still on not falling, on getting it RIGHT. Not on ice skating.

We left, and on the ride home we were talking about various things--mainly God stuff. I mentioned that I learned a lot when I was ice skating, and it wasn't about ice skating--it was about me.

I really do live in fear.

I hide it so well that I am only just beginning to find it in myself, or rather God is just beginning to show me it. It's so deep down and I hide it so well that I don't even realize it's there. And yet, it is. And it hinders me in my life. I'm afraid.

Afraid to love, afraid to live whole-heartedly, afraid to be me, afraid to--ice skate.

Because I don't want to fall down. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to look foolish.

So I stay near the edge, and I only fall down once or twice. And I never get to the middle. I don't feel the pleasure of gliding across the ice, of living whole-heartedly.

And then one of my team mates quoted Star Wars to me, and said that is what he remembered when he was figuring out skating... it was something along the lines of, "The reason we fall is so we can get back up again."

We also talked about love--God's love. God was showing me last night that He stands between us and our adversaries... We don't have to be afraid. He intercedes for us; He defends us; He LOVES us. He made us, He bought us. We are His.

And He won't let us fall down anymore than is absolutely necessary to help us learn.

So... I'm learning to live in love, slowly. When I feel that fear rising up, I remind myself of the One who ever lives to plead for me. And in that knowledge, in His love, I am free.

Free to fall down, because after you fall He helps you to your feet again.

Coolness

Oh, the things I could write about right now... they are so numerous that should I attempt them all, you would definitely fall asleep by the end. But don't worry, I shan't do that. Right now I just have a bit of a rant forming, and I want to write about it. So here I am.

I've been noticing this startling tendency in myself and in other Christians to think we're more cool if we are like the world in certain areas. *gasp* No really, it's true--if you look closely enough.

If we have higher standards in, say, music, we kinda try to hide it around other people. Even Christians. Or we feel like we're cool when we listen to music that is closer to the world's kind. We like the beat and so forth. I am NOT saying that the kind of music is bad. Honestly I like it, or at least quite a bit of it.

What I don't like is when I feel more "cool" because of the music/movie/clothing item/etc. 

That is not what we base coolness on anymore!! 

We are no longer of the world. We don't base our worth, our "rank", our "coolness" by earthly things.

It is all based on Christ. On what He has done. He is now our standard for "coolness".

Not the world.

The End. :D

Another Blog...

Yes, yes, I know... I already have too many blogs. But I'm going on a trip! Doesn't that deserve it's own special blog??

Apparently it does, since I already started one... here it is.

Feel free to check it out and even follow it to see what I'm up to on my trip! If you do stop by, please leave a comment so I know you were there. :)

God be with you!

Random Announcement of the Day!

I'm leaving! Forever! Okay, that's an exaggeration... but I am leaving. In less than one month. To New York. For two months.

Surprised? Not much more surprised than I am... :P

And why am I going to New York for two months? Well... you see... *starts story mode*

Once upon a time at a homeschool convention not too far away, a girl (named Courtney) came up to me (in spite of the fact that I was reading and being rather unsociable at the moment) at the Generations of Virtue booth. She was nice, and she said something about a "new program" and "J127" and "traveling" and "intensive discipleship" and "are you interested?"

Well, to be honest, I wasn't particularly interested. But since I'm nice and stuff, I gave her my email address so she could email me with details. And, to add to the fun, I had a vague feeling that God might want me to do it. So.

I waited... and waited... wondering if she'd actually email. Rather pessimistic of me, but I've just had too many experiences where people don't actually do what they say they will do.

But! She did! So I was pleasantly surprised and rather interested to see where this would go. I thought and prayed about it some, and I had a sense that God might be calling me to do it. However, I thought it rather impractical. (Which... God is impractical. Just for the record. And that's a good thing, because in Narnia it was the White Witch who was Terribly Practical, not Aslan. Um... sorry. I'm reading The Magician's Nephew to my little brothers.)

And then I went to Pennsylvania (oh! I didn't even say anything about that ever on here... sorreee...) and I was busy with that trip (and yes it was FUN!! I guess I will write about it, um, later.) and while I was still thinking and praying about the J127 program, I just... didn't get the application sent in. The deadline to apply, July 25th, passed. And I thought... um, well, I guess... I guess I'm not going? But it didn't seem properly final. And so I wondered what was going on, because if the deadline was passed then didn't that mean I couldn't go?

No, of course not! Another email from Courtney! The deadline was extended! To August 8th!

Oh! "I guess that means I should do something about this, then, God?" Yep.

So I talked to my parents about it and they were supportive and they said to talk to Pastor Mark. I emailed him, along with my "mentors" Arlene and Pristine and my longest running friend, Beka Wimer. (They have you include three references... one from a Pastor, one from a Mentor/teacher, and one from an over 18 friend.)

Pristine emailed and said "I've scanned through the website and it sounds very exciting! If you feel the Lord leading you that way and have the opportunity to apply, I would. Continue to pray about it and ask the Lord to confirm to you His desire. I will be excited to see how it turns out!"

Sunday (the 5th) Arlene talked to me about it and asked me all the sorts of questions one would expect from a Mentor, and she, too, thought it was exciting and would be a good experience for me. 

Beka emailed me on the sixth and said that she would do my friend application...

But I still hadn't heard from Pastor Mark. And it was the seventh now. I didn't know what to do, because I didn't want to apply without the go ahead from him (not to mention that I needed him to fill out the reference form)... so I was praying about it and practicing my prodigious waiting skills. ;)  

And he called! Finally! And he thought it sounded exciting too and said that if I felt this was something God wanted me to try for, I should. He also said that it was a short time to raise that much money... but we both agreed that if God wanted me to go, He could certainly make that happen. 

I hurriedly filled out my application form (except it took a few hours) and emailed it off and rushed to meet with Arlene at Panera.

When I got home, I had an email that said the application form was blank. :P So I had to resend it. Thankfully the data was saved, so it wasn't too bad. 

On the eighth I got an email confirming that my application had been received. 

On the ninth I had a missed call from them and a voicemail telling me to call back, please. Oh dear, what did I do now... so I called back, and a nice happy girl named Katherine told me that--- My application had been accepted!!... ?!!? "Wow! That was fast!" (I'm very original like that. But really, I thought I had to wait till the 15th.) 

So then I blinked for a while and was like.... um, I guess... I'm going! Cool! This is interesting...

Sunday I told about it some--of course forgetting to say obvious things like "in NEW YORK" and stuff like that. I also didn't say anything about *whispers* money.  *sigh* Anyway. I think I managed to confuse mostly everyone, but that's good for them. I think. 

*end story mode*

By now you are probably wondering what on earth I'm going to be doing for TWO MONTHS. Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm wondering that myself. 

But I do have some idea... it includes things like helping at "purity events", helping to renovate "The Mission" (a really cool sounding, HUGE (110,000 square feet) old building), listening to authors and speakers, praying, traveling (I think to Colorado and I'm not sure where else), and probably a great many other things. You can read more about it here and here.

So what am I hoping to come away with from this? To borrow from what I said on the application...

I am hoping to come away with more skill in teaching and leading in Bright Lights, my family, and church--and future ministry opportunities God brings along. I am hoping to form Christ-centered relationships with young people who are dedicated to seeking and loving God, people who can challenge me in my walk with God and inspire me to higher heights and deeper depths. I am hoping to use what God has already given me to bless others on the team and the people we minister to. I am hoping to become more disciplined and self-sacrificing. I am hoping, above all, to use this to the glory of God, and to know Him more intimately, to love Him more dearly, and to be more in awe of Him than ever.

It starts on September 12th and ends on November 17th. 
 
The biggest thing I need in this is prayer. I know you've read many "prayer letters" that aren't really quite... prayer letters. But really, honestly, I need your prayers more than I need money. I could get all the money but not have God's blessing and help and it--really wouldn't work. I'd be better off at home with no money. So... I would greatly appreciate prayer. For wisdom, for grace, for love... that I would be a blessing and that I would let God work in me through this, and through me in other's lives. 

Also, if you did happen to wonder about the money part of it... I need $2500--$3000.

"As J127 (through Generations of Virtue) is a registered 501C3 non profit, your church, friends and family may send checks directly to us and receive a tax deductible letter at the end of the year! Have checks payable to: 

Generations of Virtue

And mailed directly to:

Generations of Virtue

Attn: Carissa Mann J127 Support

5604 Mission Road

Conesus, NY 14435"

So there! Now you know. :)

I'm not sure how busy my schedule will be... I may or may not be able to blog while I'm gone. Ve shall see. :)  

Character

I've wondered about character for a long time. Growing up in a Christian homeschool family, you hear the word plenty. There are books that build character and songs that build character and friends that build character... all kinds of things.

"Build character"? What does that mean? What does "character" even mean??

 I finally figured it out, and then I promptly wondered why no one had ever told me before... and why it took me so long to figure it out. :P

Very simply, character is your habitual response. For instance, when you are provoked, the way you regularly respond indicates what kind of character you have. If you usually respond kindly, you are a kind person. If you mostly respond with anger, you are an angry person.

 It's just... habit. The way you normally respond to life. Do you make the lazy choice or the diligent choice? Do you work hard or do you just do "enough"? Do you put others first or do you put yourself first?

Well, then. So how do books and so forth build character?? If the attitudes and actions portrayed as good in the majority of books you read are Christlike ones, you will grow to appreciate and accept those attitudes--and, slowly, they will become part of your response. What we are surrounded with is what we become. This is also true in reverse, of course. And I'm sure you can see the results of the kind of media most people choose... it's quite evident in our culture.

 The next question that occurs in this thought process is the most crucial: "Why is having good character important?" Now I'm sure most of us would agree that it's a least a little bit important to have good character. Or at least that everyone else doesn't have it and they should!! :D (Have you ever noticed how ironic it is that we tend to complain about people complaining? Or gossip about someone else gossiping? Or point out everyone else's need for good character while neglecting your own? :P) We've heard about character plenty, or at least I have.

 But why?? (I must have been an annoying child... I always want to know why.)

Finally, finally, I'm getting it. It's so much broader and more important and glorious than people make it out to be. It's not just us looking good or making our parents look good. It's not just being a good person. It's not just about other people. (gasp)

Oh, no. It's about Christ. It's about the reason we exist.

Why do we exist? "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

And, I ask you, how can we possibly glorify God if we are not building and striving for Christlike character? If we are not in the habit of responding kindly, how can they see Christ's kindness in us? If we are not in the habit of responding meekly and humbly, how can they see Christ's humility? If we are not responding in love and forgiveness, how can they understand Christ's love and forgiveness? If we are not purposefully seeking to make God look great by our actions, why are we here?? And how dare we call ourselves followers of Christ?? Followers, you see, FOLLOW the person they are following...

Yes, it is His power that works in us. Without Him, it is impossible for us to become like Him. Only Christ can be Christ.

But if we are so full of US--how can He come in and take over? If we are so busy listening to worldly influences, how can we hear that still small voice of the Holy Spirit? If we are so busy gratifying our flesh, how can we walk in the Spirit? If we are so caught up in the things of this world, how can we love God? If we are so sure of our own strength, how can He show Himself strong in us?

We are called to fight. We are called to endure. We are called to press on. We are called to lay aside the weights. We are called to put off our old nature and put on Christ. We must take action.

We cannot sit still and expect God to magically poof us into being like Him. We must make those little choices, every day.

Humility over pride. Patience over impatience. Joy over complaining. Peace over worry. Diligence over laziness.

Little choices. Big results.

Why? Why choose to help your little sister instead of reading that novel? Why give up the last seat to that old lady? Why clean up the kitchen when it isn't your job? Why keep working until your story is the best you can make it? Why choose to tell the truth even though it may cost you dearly? Why keep loving someone even when they hurt you over and over?

Because of Christ. Because He loves you. Because His way is the best way. Because... that is how you bring God glory, how you show Him to be like He really is.

It may not seem to make any difference. Probably people won't notice that you took the extra ten minutes to dust the fan when you were only asked to dust the blinds. Probably no one will see that you gave up the last bagel so your little sister could have one. Probably no one will cheer when you choose to do your school instead of goofing off. Probably getting up an hour earlier so you can pray won't make the headlines. Probably no one will notice that you rewrote your blog post five times instead of throwing it together. Probably no one will know how hard you had to bite your tongue to keep from making that mean comment. Probably no one will know how hard it was to forgive that one person.

Oh, but God knows. And He takes great pleasure in it. And it does glorify Him.

And, moreover, there will come a day when there are big choices to be made. When the stakes are high and the world is watching and Christ's name is in the balance.

What will you do then? If you have consistently made the good little choices, you will just do what you always do. Of course you will tell the truth even though you'll go to jail--isn't that what you've been doing all along? Of course you will forgive the ones who killed your brother--isn't that what you've been doing all along?

These days will come. Mark my words.

Will you be ready?

Death and Life and Lies and Truth

We started out alive. Very much alive. We were in direct, perfect communion with God. We had no division or misunderstanding or selfishness in our relationships with each other. We were physically healthy. We were mentally sound. We were emotionally fulfilled and whole.

And then
we
died.

God told us we would, if we did That; but we paid Him no heed.

Thought we knew best.

We tried so hard, we did.

We tried to pretend we were still alive.

We hid. Hid from the One with the Answer, from the One who sees all.

And we’re still dead and we still pretend.

Outside we look alive.

Inside we are naught but a corpse.

Rotting, shriveled, dry.

We plaster on a smile and we laugh and we talk loud and we DO. Frantically, we try to convince ourselves–or at least everyone else–that we aren’t really dead inside.

But we are.

And we all know it, no matter how hard we try to make it look otherwise, no matter how many people tell us we are beautiful and good, no matter how loud we laugh, no matter how much doing we pile on top of our deadness in an attempt to look alive.

Ugly, small, not-right.

This is us.

Correction: this is us without and before Christ…Before the Christ-life comes in and fills that hollow, dried up, dead spirit of ours. Before He comes and breaths His life into our breathless spirit. Before His Life-Blood begins flowing in our spiritual veins.

But oh, when it happens–what a glorious thing!

We who were

once dead,

who were

once far off–

are alive in Christ,

brought very near

by His precious life-blood.

Why, then, do we--who are alive in Christ--sometimes still feel dead? Why do we sometimes still see ourselves as ugly, shriveled, hopeless?

In a word:  

lies.

You see, Before, the lie was:  

You aren’t really dead;  

somehow, someway, 

you can beat it.  

You can cover it up.  

Hide, run  

and hide.  

Don’t let Him see.  

Just put on some more makeup,  

maybe buy some more expensive clothes.  

Make sure you do everything  

right.  

Keep doing all those good things; maybe 

that  

will make you feel better.

Once we see through that lie and accept the Christ-life, however, the lie takes another twist.

He whispers the other side of his deceitful tale into your delicate new ears:  

You aren’t really alive.  

You’re still just as 

dead 

as you ever were.  

Look at you!  

Insignificant, putrid, hollow old you.  

Who do you think you are,  

claiming to be new, holy, cleansed, alive?  

You’re wrong.  

He doesn’t really care for you.  

Maybe the other people–look how beautiful they are.  

Not you. 

 Look at what you’ve done, who you are.  

No…you’re still dead.

 BUT IT IS A LIE.

Just as plain and simple as that.

It’s a lie.

Lies are nothing, nothing but the twisted fragments of nightmarish thoughts from the Enemy of your soul.

The one who tricked us into believing The Lie that brought death to our souls in the first place. The one who desperately tried to keep your soul dead. And the one who, now that your spirit lives because of Christ in you, wants nothing more than to keep you believing that you are still dead.

Don’t listen.

Trust.

I know you don’t see, yet.

You don’t see what God saw when He had the idea for you. What He knows you’ll become at the end of the story. You don’t see, quite, the glow He had–has–in His eyes when He looked at you. You didn’t see His joy when your long-dead spirit finally accepted His life and became new.

But you have to trust.

Trust that He knows what He’s doing. Trust that He who has promised is faithful, and that He also will do it. Trust that He makes everything beautiful in its time. Trust that His life is in you, and that you aren’t dead inside any more.

No.

You are alive, very alive.

Because The One

who is

The Life

is in 

you.

The Avengers

 

Yes, I’m reviewing a movie. Yes, I’m reviewing the Avengers. Yes, I watched it.

Yes, this is Carissa. :D

How did this happen?

Well, Hannah and I were home with just Papa and Josiah for a few days. They, being male, and having this opportunity, wanted to watch as many action movies as they could--including The Avengers.

Again.

 Being polite, they asked us if we wanted to go.

“Um.... I don’t know, maybe? Will we like it?”

“I don't know, probably... You don’t have to pay for your tickets...”

Well, if you put it that way... and, being that there wasn’t much else to do, and that we didn’t want to be boring and such, we went.

And... I was surprised, actually, by how well I liked it. I always talk myself into thinking I don’t like that sort of movie, but then I do. :P (I was all excited afterwards, and Josiah said I liked it too much.)

Now that I come to think of it, though... I guess this isn’t really properly a movie review, since I’m not going to talk about how they moved the cameras around (cinematography--I do know the terms, at least) or how good/bad the acting was and who played what part and so forth or how good the music was or the special effects or... well, I guess I do have a few things to say about that aspect of the movie...

Being a writer and a Word Person, I just have to comment on the script a bit--The dialog was brilliant. Very witty. And the humor was genuinely funny--not crude, or lame, or forced-- just funny.

Oh! And the clothes were good as well--I was pleasantly surprised and didn't feel bad for my brother and dad. (Though Natasha's zipper kept bothering me because... not that it was really awful, just, um, annoying. Zip it up a bit more, lady, it'll look less awkward... haha. :P)

As for family friendliness--it was literally action packed. There were only a few scenes that people weren't fighting or buildings weren't blowing up--and those scenes were full of tense dialog. So that might be overwhelming for little ones. However, the language was quite clean (a few words thrown in, but not anything horrid and it wasn't often or noticeable); it wasn't overly gory (there is some blood, but not a lot. The worst part was "the eye part".); most of the deaths are just implied, not really shown; the romance was minimal and appropriate (not even any kissing); and as I said, the clothes were pretty much modest. (you encounter worse at church. :P)

Alrighty, getting to the main point of this blog post... I’m going to talk about what I thought about it. What sort of lessons there were. (surprise surprise)

The biggest thing I took away from it was how powerful the True God is.

I got this from quite a few different parts in the movie, but particularly this one:

Loki: Enough! You are, all of you are beneath me! I am a god, you dull creature, and I shall not be bullied...

[Hulk flattens Loki with repeated smashes into the floor]

The Hulk: [Disdainfully] Puny god.

 Loki seemed pretty powerful, maybe even godlike--until a bigger guy came along and made it quite clear that he really wasn’t, by comparison. And I thought... wow. I’m so glad our God is not like that. No one will ever say “Puny God” about the One True God, when He comes back in judgement. No one will be able to stand, much less say anything.

Loki wasn't... ugly. He was almost... well, sort of girlishly good-looking. In a creepy sort of way. Made me think of Satan--we forget that he was--is an angel of light. He isn't some ugly monster type creature, not on the outside. He's beautiful, smooth, intelligent. He's got "charisma". (*wry/sarcastic* know anyone else known for that...?) And he's full of lies and hatred and treachery and pride. And, much like Loki, he IS powerful, and he DOES have a huge, evil force on his side, and he, too, would like to think he is a god.

You've probably heard this quote a few times if you've read anything else about the Avengers, but I have to put it in anyway...

Natasha Romanoff (The Black Widow): [discussing attacking Loki] But he's a god!

Steve Rogers (Captain America): Ma'am, there's only one God, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that.

My dad pointed out that it was great because not only did they have that line in the movie, but Captain America was the leader. He wasn't put down or made fun of for saying that at all. And he was good example of a leader, too, I thought. He was more of a servant/lead-by-example type than a boss people around type. He was humble, he knew what he was talking about (well, mostly.)... all that good stuff. 

I also liked... well, ahem... I'd been reading about Spiritual Warfare, and all the fighting got me more excited about it. I must say, I totally did not go into the movie expecting to be uplifted spiritually, but I was. :D

Self-sacrifice was also a strong theme--and one muchly needed in our self-centered culture.
Teamwork was a huge lesson--made me think of the body of Christ. We all have these tremendous gifts--and we also have a horrific enemy. And we aren't getting along very well, just like The Avengers. Once they learned to work together, though, they were an unstoppable force.

It is imperative that the body of Christ learn this lesson so clearly portrayed in the Avengers: the only way to win is to be united, humble, self-sacrificing, persevering and so on.

Well, there you have it. My very first attempt at a movie review. I have the nagging feeling that there's more I wanted to say, but I can't remember it right now... perhaps when I watch it again I'll do a part two. :)