Monday, April 30, 2012


I must know, my heart demands.
How long, oh how long?
How long must I live in this fog?
How long until I see your plan?

Wait, He replies. Wait on me.
It is enough
He whispers
My impatient heart
Enough that I know

I want to defend, my heart screams.
Will things ever be set right?
Will they ever see the other side?
Why don’t you show them now?

Wait, He replies. Wait on me.
I am your defender.
He whispers
My misunderstood heart.
Leave it with me.

My dreams are dying, my heart cries.
Why must they die?
Will they ever be resurrected?
Were they not given me by You?

Wait, He replies. Wait on me.
I have a plan,
He whispers
My longing heart.
And it is good. 

(This is a poem I wrote today and posted here. There are other poems, quotes, and so forth there as well... some by me, most not.)

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Things I'm Learning

Actually, I won't tell you all the things I'm learning, since that would take up the rest of the day... :D But here are a few highlights.

Have you ever been crying--hard--with deep pain and little hope? I have... last night was one of those times. But I know what to do, now. I got out of bed, went to my desk, and got out my notebook. (my current random notebook... Bible verses, quotes, poems, prayers, notes)

I started writing to God, telling Him how I was feeling. (Being a writer person, writing helps a lot. Prayer helps even more. So doing both at once is awesome.) But that feeling didn't last long... I was soon sent to the scriptures and to praising God. Here are some of the verses God spoke to me through:

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?

One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple.

For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”

13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.

14Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
 (from Psalm 27)
8He will swallow up death forever,
And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces; (means a lot more when you're crying)
The rebuke of His people
He will take away from all the earth;
For the Lord has spoken.

And it will be said in that day:
“Behold, this is our God;
We have waited for Him, and He will save us.
This is the Lord;
We have waited for Him;
We will be glad and rejoice in His salvation.
 (Isaiah 25) 

Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause. 
(Psalm 25:3)

Wait on the Lord,
And keep His way,
And He shall exalt you to inherit the land;
When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.
(Psalm 37:34)

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust,
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.
(Psalm 40)

My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
(Psalm 62:5)

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in His word I do hope. 
(Psalm 130:5)

I am learning that He really does speak to us through His word. And I am learning what it means to wait on Him: to just trust Him and rest in Him and love Him, no matter what is going on around me. To be able to have peace and hope and love even when things are rough: because He is greater. I am learning that He does hear us.

I am learning how powerful praise is. Where God's praises are, there He is. When we praise God... our fear and worry and pain slip away in His presence. Satan cannot abide God's praise--he is, in essence, allergic to it. Praise is a valuable weapon. Singing, reading scriptures that praise God, praising Him for what He's done and is doing in your life-- these things all help tremendously. 

I am learning that He wants ALL of us. He isn't kidding when He talks about crucifying the flesh.

 And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 

 And I am learning there's more to that than merely surrendering your life. 

"There is all the difference in the world between your [our] surrendered life in My [God's] hands, and Me [God, specifically the Holy Spirit] living My life in your body." --Intercessor:Rees Howells, page 219

For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. 10 For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. 11 Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6

I still don't know, quite, what that all means. But I know I must die. 

 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:18

I want that. I want that to be true of me. 

God hasn't changed. 

All the incredible things the apostles did--they did them because of God. And He hasn't changed.  

Neither have His requirements.  

We still have to die. We still have to confess and forsake our sins. We still have to renew our minds. We still have to be living sacrifices. We still have to be wholly, utterly His. We still have to love Him will ALL that we have and are. We still have to have faith. We still have to be humble. We still have to forsake ourselves and follow Him. We still have to walk in the light. 

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. 1 John 1

And then God can use us--way beyond what we could do or even imagine.

The world is hurting way too much, folks. Too much for us to continue complacently living in our sin. Too much for us to be denying God entrance to every part of our lives. Too much for us to live as though He didn't live and die for us. Too much for us to continue to pretend we don't see... 

God wants us. He needs men and women who are passionately devoted to Him. Men and women who fear Him much more than man. Men and women who care infinitely more for God's glory than for their own comfort and well-being and reputation. Men and women who do impossible things, because they have let God take over their lives, and it isn't them doing it anymore.  

I don't know why God has chosen to work through us. But He has. And I want to be in. Part of His elite force. Not because of anything I've done, not because I have any merit--because of what He's done for me.

And I am getting in. I am doing all I can to be one of those women. There is so much available to us in God, if only we will strive for it and do the things He has asked us to do.

And God's name and His glory... oh. I am having trouble articulating this... but it's... so important. That we let Him glorify Himself in us. That we do not bring any more shame to His name by saying we are Christians, but not... letting Him live in us and change us into Christlikeness. 

I am learning how very horridly awful sin and self are. How much pain and devastation they cause. And how much they hurt our God. Have you ever cried hard because of your sin? I hope so. Pray that God will show you the horrors of it. 

I am learning how different God's ways are from ours. And how much higher His goals are than ours. 

I want to be a nice person. God wants me to be like HIM. o.0 

I want to be happy. God wants me to be joyful. 

I want to have a good life. God wants me to have a good heart. 

I want to have peaceful circumstances. God wants me to have His peace, which is above circumstances. 

I want to be comfortable. God wants me to explode my comfort zone for Him. 

I want to help a few people, do a few nice things. God wants to use me to change the world. 

I want to be nice to people who are nice (mostly) to me. God wants me to love everyone and anyone, no matter what. 

I want to live. God wants me to die--so He can live in me. 

I want what I want. God wants what He wants--which is infinitely better. 

I want my life to be normalish. God wants to live a completely counter-cultural, abnormal life--because that's what He did. Because "normal" is wrong. It isn't supposed to be normal. He doesn't want me to be weird, He wants me to be righteous. And a quick look around will tell you that righteous is weird in this world. :P

I am learning that I have an enemy. A real one. One who is ancient and treacherous and horridly deceitful. One who hates my soul and my God and my ministry. One who wants me dead or impotent. One who wants me to be prideful, because humility is surrender to God and he hates that. One who seeks to thwart my prayers, my confessions, my walk, my friendships--everything good.

I am learning that confession is necessary. Just today, I wrote a letter to my parents confessing sin in my past. Things most of you probably wouldn't imagine me struggling with. I didn't want to. But I had to. (The Holy Spirit is very bossy, once you let Him have authority in your life. It is both wonderful and horrible.) For years I have convinced myself that it was okay, I did not need to tell them, it was just private sin, it didn't need a public confession, and so on and so forth. 
But I am learning.

If I want to be in the light as He is in the light, I must walk in the light.

I am learning that God doesn't want a Great Person. He doesn't want me coming at Him with grand ideas of how I will serve Him. He just wants a humble, willing SERVANT. He wants me willing to do whatever He asks, no matter how small and insignificant it seems--and no matter how big and crazy and impossible it seems. I am learning that there are tons of little sacrifices to be made every day. 

As I have drawn closer to God, He has asked some little sacrifices of me.

For instance, recently my siblings were going swimming.

The water was cold, I don't like swimming, my hair gets all nasty, etc. Those are my normal reasons for not going swimming.

And I tried, really I did. I tried to explain why I didn't need to go. But it was no use. The Holy Spirit was quite clear. Go swim with them. Why?? Just do. It is loving. And I did. And it was fun. :D And they were so happy I went. Yeah, it was cold. Yeah, it was uncomfortable. Yeah, it was inconvenient.

But was it worth it? Oh, yes. I'm not cold anymore-- But I have the satisfied feeling that I obeyed. 

Yes, it was "just a little thing". But I think that's the point. It's the little things that add up and lead to big things.

The little compromises.... or the little sacrifices. 

I have had far too many "little" compromises in my life. It's time I started making more little sacrifices. 

I don't want to give the enemy ANY territory in my heart and mind.

Well, there are a few things I've been learning... I hope some bit of that was encouraging to you.

What have you been learning?   

Saturday, April 7, 2012


I was thinking, when I woke up... about how "today" was the "hopeless" day... Jesus was dead. In the tomb. No life, no hope... imagine being them.

We know the end of the story. We know that "tomorrow" He rises again. We've heard it a million times. But I think we forget... how dark it looked this day. How it seemed like it was all over, like this was the worst thing that ever happened... I think we forget that people don't normally... rise again. :D

So... this day I am remembering how dark it looked--right in the middle of it all. He was dead... died yesterday. And He still hadn't come out of that tomb. And I am remembering... that light did come. Glorious light... The Light. The Light that never goes out... the Light that is shining even on our darkest nights. And I am remembering...That... God knew what He was doing, all along. That no matter how insane it looked, how wrong it was... He had a plan, and He was working it out. And it was a good plan, because He is good.

I mean... what if He saved Himself? What if Jesus... didn't die that day? What if, instead, He fulfilled the selfish and short-sighted desires of their hearts? What if He came down off the cross and defeated the Romans? Oh, they would have cheered... they would have gladly proclaimed Him King... they would have followed Him. Followed temporary freedom. From their immediate problem... the one right in front of them.

But they had a bigger problem... an eternal one. And He knew it. And He knew that not only did they have this problem--this problem that had no solution--but there were billions more who would come after them with the same problem.

And He knew... He knew He had to do it. He knew it was the way His father wanted to be glorified. Oh, they would have glorified Him if He had defeated the Romans... but it would have been so temporary. And what of us? Where would we be, if He had only saved them from their temporary and pressing problem?

Oh... He knew, alright. * smiles *

And He... still knows. He knows what WE need. He knows how to glorify Himself in our lives.

Aren't you glad for a God who knows? A God who sees the whole picture? A God who... cares enough to put us on the hard path?