Trapped

Just a note: this post is rather different from most of my posts. I feel a little weird saying this here... especially since I'm not completely "out" yet (you'll understand more when you read it). But God has been impressing on me the need for being real and not trying to keep up an illusion of... not perfection, but of... being "good", I guess-- and this is part of that. :)

Before I really started getting to know God, I was in this dreadful state of being caught between two worlds: sick of this earth and all its troubles, and not really wanting heaven, either.

This world seemed to have very little good in it... I had very few real friends, and most of the friends I did have were far away. The political and economic world is a mess; which bothered me greatly. (you may not realize it, but I am and pretty much always have been interested in politics.) I saw immorality and hurt and sin everywhere, including in me. I felt alone in my desire for something more than simply being a "nice girl."

I was on the verge of this thing they call "Adulthood", at eighteen... and yet I felt like neither a child nor an adult. On one hand I was more childish than others my age--and on the other, I was much more mature.

I was trapped. Trapped inside myself, trapped between two worlds: wanting neither. No one noticed, or if they did I never knew they did. I myself hardly realized my dilemma: I lived in it.

Thinking, always thinking. Wondering if anyone else struggled like I did. Wondering where I fit in this world. Wondering what my life would hold. Quietly. Holding it in.

Wanting to know God--but He seemed so far away. Wanting to do right, but failing again and again. Wanting to fit in. Wanting to be noticed. Wanting close friends.

No tears. Just quiet, restless, incessant thoughts.

A heart that pretended to be soft, but was hardened.

Slowly, slowly... He broke through my walls.

Friends, prayers, books...

His word.

Real, not imagined pain.

Bringing me to the end of me.

Breaking me to the point of tears.

Holding my hand.

His glory.

His love.

He brought me out... is bringing me out.

And now I have hope for here. I still see all of the horribleness of this world. I still see the wretchedness of my sin. But I see something more: I see God's hand, over it all. I see God working, in and through me... and in and through those around me.

And not only do I have hope and joy for here, on earth, I now long for the day when I will finally meet my Savior face to face... when I will be able to see Him, hear Him, feel Him. When I will no longer have the sin... when all the troubles of this world are gone.

Finally, I am beginning to be... in this world, and looking forward to the next.

No longer trapped.

Free, in Him.

P.S. I know I know... you were expecting a Christmas background. :D I couldn't find one I liked... and Christmas in Florida is pretty green anyway. So I figure this works. :D