Today

I was thinking, when I woke up... about how "today" was the "hopeless" day... Jesus was dead. In the tomb. No life, no hope... imagine being them.

We know the end of the story. We know that "tomorrow" He rises again. We've heard it a million times. But I think we forget... how dark it looked this day. How it seemed like it was all over, like this was the worst thing that ever happened... I think we forget that people don't normally... rise again. :D

So... this day I am remembering how dark it looked--right in the middle of it all. He was dead... died yesterday. And He still hadn't come out of that tomb. And I am remembering... that light did come. Glorious light... The Light. The Light that never goes out... the Light that is shining even on our darkest nights. And I am remembering...That... God knew what He was doing, all along. That no matter how insane it looked, how wrong it was... He had a plan, and He was working it out. And it was a good plan, because He is good.

I mean... what if He saved Himself? What if Jesus... didn't die that day? What if, instead, He fulfilled the selfish and short-sighted desires of their hearts? What if He came down off the cross and defeated the Romans? Oh, they would have cheered... they would have gladly proclaimed Him King... they would have followed Him. Followed Him...to temporary freedom. From their immediate problem... the one right in front of them.

But they had a bigger problem... an eternal one. And He knew it. And He knew that not only did they have this problem--this problem that had no solution--but there were billions more who would come after them with the same problem.

And He knew... He knew He had to do it. He knew it was the way His father wanted to be glorified. Oh, they would have glorified Him if He had defeated the Romans... but it would have been so temporary. And what of us? Where would we be, if He had only saved them from their temporary and pressing problem?

Oh... He knew, alright. * smiles *

And He... still knows. He knows what WE need. He knows how to glorify Himself in our lives.

Aren't you glad for a God who knows? A God who sees the whole picture? A God who... cares enough to put us on the hard path?

In Which I Return... to Leave Again

Hello, dear readers!

I'm terribly sorry for my abrupt and prolonged absence. I didn't fall off the face of the earth, at least not completely... but pretty close.

Remember how I was in January, standing on the brink of another year and wondering what would happen? And saying how we really had no idea what would happen this year? Well.... I had no idea HOW much I had no idea what the month of January held. It will be a splendid story someday, but unfortunately I'm not able to divulge the whole tale at the moment, due to the fact that there are other people involved and I don't have permission to explain it all right now.

I have been walking through a... fire. A completely unexpected and rather drastic turn in my plans happened, and I have been learning so much... It's been incredible. (And I'm really tired. :P) This poem sums it up pretty nicely:

“My Father's way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache.
But in my soul I'm glad I know,
He maketh no mistake.
My cherished plans may go astray.
My hopes may fade away,
But still I'll trust my Lord to lead,
For He doth know the way.
Tho' night be dark and it may seem,
That day with never break;
I'll pin my faith, my all in Him,
He maketh no mistake.
There's so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight far too dim;
But come what may I'll simply trust,
And leave it all to Him.
For by and by the mist will lift,
And plain it all He'll make,
Through all the way, tho' dark to me,
He made not one mistake."
― A.M. Overton

I've also been busy working at my dad's new tile store...  Which means very little time for anything else. Also, I... well, I think it's time for me to work on living, a while. I've been talking for a long time. Now comes the living. And I'm learning, now, how to LIVE a lot of the things I've talked about on here. It's hard. But it's so very good.

I'm so blessed... to have this trial in my life right now. It's drawn me closer to God; it's showing me what is real about me and what isn't; it's forcing me to live my nice sounding posts.

And so, for now, I will be posting very rarely. I'm not sure how long this season will last... but rest assured, when I come back... I will have tons of things to say. :) And they will be real--things I've lived. I might still pop in every once in a while, but not regularly and definitely not weekly.

May God bless and be with you. Keep seeking Him with your whole heart... fall in love with Him. Pray--get to know Him like never before.  

More God. Always more, never enough.

Would You Have Done It?

Recently, I went outside for a bit at night... the stars were out, and there was one (a planet, probably) that was especially bright. It brought to mind the star that shown when Jesus was born... and I remembered the movie "The Nativity"-- particularly the part where Mary agrees to carry Christ in her womb.

And I wondered... would I have done it? Would I have said yes? Would I have agreed to be laughed at, to be shunned, to be thought impure and foolish? Would I have agreed to lay down my reputation? My way of life? Would I have agreed to give up my friends? My family, in a way? Would I have agreed to risk being killed for a perceived action? Would I have agreed to look completely foolish for something I really had no way of knowing the end of?

Or would I have been too concerned with myself, with my image? Would I have been too concerned about appearing pure and blameless? Would I have been too scared to face the shame and mockery?

I don't know, honestly. I might very well have said, "I can't do it, it's too hard, that's not a good idea, what will everyone think?"

(Though, of course, I've never talked to an angel. That might put a bit of a different light on the matter.)

Listen to Mary's response after her initial questioning...

And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.

Simple. So simple. And so full of trust and surrender. She knew who she was-- and, more importantly, who God was. And she let God do what He wanted with her. She was willing to be considered impure and insane for God's sake and at His word.

And think... think what a blessing she gained. What a blessing we gained! It didn't make a bit of sense, at the time. But now, looking back on it all... it makes so much sense we rarely see how crazy it was.

Of course Mary had Jesus. We've heard it over and over.

But... there really was a girl. A girl. Named Mary. Scared, clueless. She couldn't see what would happen. And yet she opened herself up to God. She... let Him... make her look foolish in the world's eyes.

And... she is now most blessed among women.

How could she do it? We really don't know a whole lot about her. But then... we don't need to know a whole lot. What she did, on its own, says volumes. The fact that God chose her says tons. And then... we have her song. Listen to her heart...

And Mary said, My soul doth magnify the Lord,

And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.

For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.


For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name.

And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation.

He hath shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.

He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree.

He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.

He hath helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy;

As he spake to our fathers, to Abraham, and to his seed for ever.

What do you notice?

I see... a heart totally enthralled with God. And very much not focused on herself. I don't know about you, but if God chose me to do that... I don't think I would be saying things about my "low estate"... I would be thinking more along the lines of, wow, I must be pretty good to have been chosen. :P

All her focus is on God and the great things He has done for her. And at this point she still probably didn't really know what exactly what was going on!

Wow...

Seriously, think about it, my fellow Good Christian Girls. Don't we want to be known for our purity and our wonderfulness? I do.

But... it isn't about us. It's about God. And you know... the thing about God is... He loves doing things completely backwards from the world's thinking.

Mary was humbled, and then glorified. Sounds an awful lot like... her Son. And it doesn't make any sense, really....

Think about the way He came to earth. The King of kings, the Lord of lords, the Creator Himself... coming as a baby?? Surely, at least, He would come as baby to some good home--but no! He came appearing as an illegitimate child!? And think how He conquered death and sin and satan!! By... dying, naked, on a cross?? It doesn't make sense, humanly speaking.

Guess who hated Jesus the most? The religious leaders. The Good Church People.

Guess who most hates sold-out-for-Christ, Spirit-filled Christians-- the ones who don't care a particle what the world thinks? . . . Yeah. You know already.

"Can't they like... tone it down? Do they have to be SO different?? Can't they... blend in a little? Must they really be so radical? Do they have to do such strange things?"

Face, folks. Following Christ whole-heartedly gets our sanity questioned. It might even lose us the respect of the Good Christian People we know.

Do we really suppose that following a Man who upset the the religious institution in just about every way possible, the Man who ate with sinners, the Man who was perfect and yet died a criminal's death, the Man who.... basically did everything differently from others... will be easy and normal and well accepted?

What does it actually mean to follow this Man? We sing "I have decided to follow Jesus"... but what does it mean? What is the cost?

Are we really willing to accept the ridicule and the shame and the hardship and the suffering and the being misunderstood?

Are we willing to follow Him... all the way?

He died, you know. It says deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him.

The cross isn't some cute little symbol. It isn't just a charm on a necklace.

It's an instrument of humiliation... and death.

Death.

Really? Are you sure this is the One you want to follow? Are you sure you want to carry a cross? Am I?

Are we willing to be humbled as He was? To make ourselves of no reputation? To count all this as loss, that we might gain Christ? To... die? To this world, to ourselves... or literally.

Is it worth it? Is it worth giving up everything to follow Him?

Oh... I hope and pray my answer is yes.

Not my answer here. Not my words. My life. The Answer.

For what good would it be, if I gained the whole world and kept my reputation... and yet... lost my soul? What good would it be to be known by men, but... not to know God or be known by Him? What good would it be to have man's favor, and... not God's? What good would it be... to get to heaven and say, well everyone said I was such a sweet, quiet girl--And yet... have missed out on the fullness of God wanted to do through me?

Am I worth holding on to? Is my reputation that important? Are my desires and ideas that much better than His?

No. No, not at all.

He... gave up everything. Everything. For God's glory. For me.

How... HOW can I do less? I must not, I will not, I cannot.

Help me, God.

January...

It's January, again.

I distinctly remember the last two Januaries... The first one, I was helping a mom with three children almost daily for the whole month. And last January I took an internet fast... Both of which experiences changed me quite a bit.

January.

What a month... we stand here, on the brink of a whole new year as it stretches before us: unknown, mysterious; many days lie untouched as of yet.

We have ideas, plans, hopes, fears for this thing called a year... We may think we know what it holds--more of the same, perhaps, or we have some adventures planned.

But do we really know? No... not really. There remains mystery; plot twists we have no way of seeing from where we stand, here in the month named January.

It's an interesting, scary, exciting month... especially for me these days, it seems. Again, this year... big things are happening. Things I would never have imagined last January.

And standing here, in the first few days of a brand new January, I have no idea how the rest of this month--this year--will go.

But God knows. And in that solid fact, I can rest.

Favorite Posts from 2011

This being the final Thursday in December, and thus the last week in 2011 (already?!!), it is now time to let me know which of the blog posts over the past year were your favorites! :) I'm going to make another little sidebar link list of them...

Oh, and you can also tell me why you liked them... if you want to... * smiles invitingly *

So... comment away! :) And thank you for reading!

Trapped

Just a note: this post is rather different from most of my posts. I feel a little weird saying this here... especially since I'm not completely "out" yet (you'll understand more when you read it). But God has been impressing on me the need for being real and not trying to keep up an illusion of... not perfection, but of... being "good", I guess-- and this is part of that. :)

Before I really started getting to know God, I was in this dreadful state of being caught between two worlds: sick of this earth and all its troubles, and not really wanting heaven, either.

This world seemed to have very little good in it... I had very few real friends, and most of the friends I did have were far away. The political and economic world is a mess; which bothered me greatly. (you may not realize it, but I am and pretty much always have been interested in politics.) I saw immorality and hurt and sin everywhere, including in me. I felt alone in my desire for something more than simply being a "nice girl."

I was on the verge of this thing they call "Adulthood", at eighteen... and yet I felt like neither a child nor an adult. On one hand I was more childish than others my age--and on the other, I was much more mature.

I was trapped. Trapped inside myself, trapped between two worlds: wanting neither. No one noticed, or if they did I never knew they did. I myself hardly realized my dilemma: I lived in it.

Thinking, always thinking. Wondering if anyone else struggled like I did. Wondering where I fit in this world. Wondering what my life would hold. Quietly. Holding it in.

Wanting to know God--but He seemed so far away. Wanting to do right, but failing again and again. Wanting to fit in. Wanting to be noticed. Wanting close friends.

No tears. Just quiet, restless, incessant thoughts.

A heart that pretended to be soft, but was hardened.

Slowly, slowly... He broke through my walls.

Friends, prayers, books...

His word.

Real, not imagined pain.

Bringing me to the end of me.

Breaking me to the point of tears.

Holding my hand.

His glory.

His love.

He brought me out... is bringing me out.

And now I have hope for here. I still see all of the horribleness of this world. I still see the wretchedness of my sin. But I see something more: I see God's hand, over it all. I see God working, in and through me... and in and through those around me.

And not only do I have hope and joy for here, on earth, I now long for the day when I will finally meet my Savior face to face... when I will be able to see Him, hear Him, feel Him. When I will no longer have the sin... when all the troubles of this world are gone.

Finally, I am beginning to be... in this world, and looking forward to the next.

No longer trapped.

Free, in Him.

P.S. I know I know... you were expecting a Christmas background. :D I couldn't find one I liked... and Christmas in Florida is pretty green anyway. So I figure this works. :D

Why Do You Read This Blog?

I'm curious. I'm always curious, but this time I'm curious about something in particular. Something you can help with. And, as you may have deduced from the title, I am wondering why you read this blog.

Is it because you're my friend? Is it because you collect blogs? Is it because you like the content? Is it because you learn things? Or because you're entertained? Is it because you believe similarly? Is it because you believe the complete opposite and like studying the other side? Is it because you like poking fun at my posts? :D Is it some other reason I haven't thought of yet?

There, I think that was a pretty thorough interrogation...

Oh wait, I have more questions. Why don't you comment, if you don't? Do you like the weekly scheduled posts? Or did you like it better random?

I've been putting more effort into it over the past few months and had a result I don't particularly like... less comments. :'( Which, I guess, is okay... since I can still hope you read them and get something from them, and I benefit from writing them.

However... it is more fun if I get comments. So I guess I'm... asking you to comment more. Especially on this post, since if you don't comment it'll be quite useless... ;)

Yes, I'm one of those pathetic bloggers who beg for comments. :D I know it's hard to comment on blogs sometimes because you don't know what to say or don't have time or whatever, but I'm not terribly picky about what you say, so when you get a chance in your busy blog reading lives it would be lovely. :D

P.S. Oh! Suggestions of any kind (except like... about college or cutting hair or things like that... :D I guess I should specify blog related suggestions) are also very welcome!